October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. That has become a fairly well-known part of autumn for many. What you may or may not know, is that October is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss (PAIL) (sometimes called Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss [MSIL]) Awareness Month. October 15, specifically, is PAIL/MSIL Day and many choose to light a candle to honor their lost babies. Miscarriage, for whatever reason, has been such a taboo subject in the not so distant past. People are hesitant to acknowledge that a miscarried baby isn’t just a lost pregnancy, but, a lost baby, a lost childhood, a lost life, a lost chance. Even in so many of our churches, where the sanctity of life is taught and held precious, pastors, elders, teachers, and congregations will speak on and shed tears over the countless babies’ lives lost to abortion, but, have a hush hush mentality when it comes to losing a life to miscarriage. That needs to end now. It’s not possible to have it both ways. Miscarriage happens too often to be treated like an unspeakable topic. Studies show that one in four women will have a pregnancy end in miscarriage and, sadly, many of these women will experience more than one. We are a “one in four” family more times than most people know. TWK and I have more than twice as many little warriors in our hearts than we have here in our arms.
What NOT to say to someone who has just lost a child to PAIL/MSIL As we were talking about today’s approach on the calendar, I asked TWK, if there was one thing he could tell those who aren’t the “one in four” families, what it would be and he, in his deep wisdom, said, “I want them to shut up and not be idiots.” Seriously. He said that. Now, before you cop a “How dare he!” mentality (after all, that’s more of a “me” thing to say), let me clarify. When you lose a child to miscarriage, people say well-meaning things they wouldn’t say if you’d just lost a child you’d had the joy of raising for a decade, a year, a month, or even a week. They say things like, “It’s for the best.” “Good thing you were only (x) weeks along.” “There was probably something wrong with ‘it.’” “You should be thankful; it’s not like you lost one of your ‘real’ kids.” “These things happen for a reason.” “You can get pregnant again.” “Maybe you had a miscarriage because there’s sin in your life.” “At least you don’t have much baby weight to lose.” “Maybe it’s because you did (x activity) while pregnant.” “Be glad it happened now at (x time of year), so, you’ve already got some time off from work for (x holiday).” Yes. I’m serious. Believe me, I wish I was joking. Please do not be the thoughtless person who says something like this. While the family you are trying to comfort may never say a thing, I promise you, they will never be able to look at you the same again, no matter how much they love you. What people don’t think about is the fact that
miscarrying at “x time of year” means that holiday will forever be a painful reminder of the child they lost. Telling a grieving parent “You can have another baby,” “There was probably something wrong with ‘it,’” or anything similar doesn’t bring comfort; it cheapens the life of the baby they just lost. If you wouldn’t say it to someone who just lost their toddler, don’t say it to someone who just lost their baby to miscarriage or stillbirth. I recently read an article regarding the use of the word “only” when talking about miscarriage. It talked about how there is no only when it comes to miscarriage; there is only “already.” You wouldn’t say, “Thank goodness your child was only (x weeks, months, or years) old,” so, don’t say, “Be glad you were only x weeks along.” They weren’t only six weeks along. There were already six weeks along. They were already six weeks into the beginning of their child’s life. Don’t cheapen their baby’s life and death.
What to say to someone who has just lost a child to PAIL/MSIL What is appropriate to say to someone going though the pain and loss of a miscarriage? “I’m so sorry for your loss.” “I cannot imagine the pain you are going through.” “I’m here if you want to talk.” “I know the hurt is unimaginable, but, just think: the first thing YOUR BABY [PLEASE use these words (“your baby”), because, tragically, not many will recognize the fact that this was THEIR CHILD] saw when they opened their eyes for the first time was THE FACE OF GOD.” In continuation from that last one, “I know that cannot begin to take away the pain you are feeling, but, I am so thankful that, since they could not come to know you and the love you have for them, they were able to know the love and perfection God and His Son had for them,” is, while not able to take the pain away, a comfort to the believer who has just lost a child to miscarriage or stillbirth.
Things you can do for a grieving family: -Make a meal -Offer to watch their other children -Acknowledge the life that was lost -Ask if you can plant a tree, bush, or shrub in the baby’s honor -Send a link to an appropriate song -Listen -If they’d chosen a name, use it when referring to their child -Take or send a care package with snacks, hygiene supplies for mama, a rice bag to use as a heating pad, and a small gift to honor their baby -Send a note or card with your condolences
The next paragraph was written recently in the heat (pain) of the moment. I was not planning to include it, but, I think it may lend some insight to the matter:
Miscarriage sucks….like SUCKS….in the way that, we’ve chosen not to hide the fact that they are not our first kids from our children, but, the questions can still be excruciatingly painful. For instance: our oldest was just helping me shell some nuts and, for whatever reason, LW1 chose to ask about their older siblings and completely blindsided me. Now, I’m always ready to have an open discussion with my children about their siblings who are residents of Heaven, but, this caught me unprepared and, to be honest, I’m bawling my eyes out right now. The pain doesn’t go away. It doesn’t get less. I think we just get used to hurting all the time, so, it gets a little more numb.
And that’s the truth of the matter. Just like the pain of losing your grade school aged child wouldn’t go away, losing your unborn or stillborn child isn’t a pain that goes away either. An acquaintance of mine recently told me about something that was said to her by a close friend who had lost an older child. The friend, knowing the miscarriage history of the other woman, was going on about how there was no way a mother who had just lost a child to miscarriage could even begin to understand her pain of losing an older child, because, basically, a mother who miscarried never had to parent. Wow. While it is a different pain, it is not less pain. Having the joy and privilege of changing diapers and wiping tears and comforting their child through sickness and first heartbreaks and the happiness of Christmas mornings and childhood games are all things that a parent who has lost a baby to PAIL misses out on. To the parent who has lost an older child, that pain is immense and unfathomable, but, how wonderful is it that you were able to have those days, weeks, months, or years to meet and know your child? Yes, it adds to the sting of the loss, but, having those memories to cling to can be a comfort. Knowing you had a chance to show your love to them is something “one in four” parents don’t have. Neither type of loss is less or more than the other and both deserve respect, but, somehow, our society recognizes one pain above the other. Let’s change that.
Comments